Journal Entry June 1, 2006

I have been going to the same Doctor for years; I did change once because I went on Blue Cross and the agent told me the in order to go to my Doctor, I would need to pay more.  Even though I didn’t want to change, I did.  I tried this Doctor and that Doctor and after a year I found out that my old Doctor did take Blue Cross and it would not cross and more than what I paid to go see the other Doctors, so I went back.  Everything went fairly well and I really felt comfortable with him, so when I got a letter from Blue Cross saying that my old Doctor was dropping my insurance, I was upset and hoping it was a mistake.  Well, it wasn’t, I went into is office for the last time last month and found out it was true.  It was an emotional day; he tried to make jokes which he never did that I remember he was trying to lighten up the mood because we were both kind of getting choked up.  When I went to shake his hand, He said, no I think by now you can give me a hug, so I did.  As Jeff was pushing me out; it took a lot for me not to cry.

When I got that letter from Blue Cross, they did assign me to another Doctor, so I did make an appointment to go meet him.  To my surprise, he seems to be a good Doctor; he’s already sending me to a specialized that knows more about neurological problems for my C.P..  I just might like this Dr. Zapp.

June 6, 2006

 If there was one peace of advice I could give to parents who have children with Cerebral Palsy; it would be to encourage them to do the best they can, but you don’t want them to hurt themselves.  What I mean about hurting themselves is that they may not be hurting that moment, but may have an effect later on.  I know because I did things to my body which I was only being a kid and wanted to do what ever other kids were doing.  For instance crawling everywhere, I mean everywhere.  I would crawl all over outside fallowing my friends.  I would walk with my walker, but not in moderation.  Now as I am getting older, arthritis has set in and I learned that I had arthritis when I was 23.  As things keep popping up, I know I could have and should have taken care of my body better, so I would not have so many health issues now.

August 3 2006 

          A month before was my Birthday, my Mom, Tanice and Meghan took Jeff and I to eat.  Before we went my Mom gave me some money to buy a doll that I had looked at one day as we were coming out of a movie theater.  She was so cute, so I ask Mom to go in and see how much the doll was, everyone kind of shy it off.  So when my birthday came around, that’s when Mom thought I could pick out my own doll. Well let me tell you the fun didn’t come when I got the doll; it came before I got her.

          It was so funny and the thing that got me was they believed me.  I have staff come and help me do things that I’m not able to do three times a week, so I made up this crazy story about adopting this baby girl that was about six months old and that my Mom knew this lawyer that needed somebody to adopt this baby girl.  I went on and told them things to make it sound real good; I even named her Carry Ann Copeland Parish.  After I had told this story, it was so amazing; they both were going to offer me baby cloths and all kinds of different things, even their time.  I was beginning to think I better say something before things got out of hand, so when I did tell them it was a baby doll, they were all saying that they were going to get me back.  We all had a good laugh.

9/20/2006

  Sometimes it’s hard to face the fact that my body is getting worse, but I have semi come to terms that my body as just been getting old.  When I was younger, I had fought so had for my independents and it has gotten me where I am today so it’s hard to just give up what I have worked for, I have done pretty darn well.  Now, I have to reverse that a bit.  I’m not talking about giving up, no no, I just need to take it easy on my body.  What I don’t want is to not be able to move at all, and that’s what I’m afraid of the most.

  Doctors have told me that I need to get more help with everyday things.  I know that is true, but I just need to learn new ways of doing things and to accept some help and learn to ask.

November 3, 2006

It has been kind of a weird few weeks, my mood has been going up and down. I know part of it is that I haven’t got my depo shot, that always makes me feel like I am on my once a month thing and I don’t have one since I’ve been on the shot, which has been great. I just don’t like how it makes me feel when it comes do to have another shot. It’s emotionally hard especially for those who are around me, Poor Jeff gets the brunt of it because we’re always together. What this does to the body and mind is nuts I think of things that I don’t normally think or feel. It’s like I’m on my monthly duty, but I don’t have the mess. For those who don’t understand the Depo Shot; it’s a type of birth control that women take every three month and for some; it makes you quit your period and that’s why I take the shot, that way I don’t have to mess with it. I do have an appointment on Monday, so I’ll be able to get back on it. Jeff will diffidently be happy.

11/30/06

Yesterday we got a phone call from Jeff’s sister Debbie to go support there Dad Gene to try out for the show Deal or No Deal. At first Jeff was hesitated to go because of the cold. Because I am such a big fan of the show, I wasn’t thinking of being outside in the cold for over five hours, I just wanted to go because of all the excitement. When we got there, it was around 5 or so, Debbie and Gene were there since 3. But I heard there were some there since 8am that morning, so I was really thinking this was nuts, what was I thinking, I should have applied. Well If Gene gets a call; it will be worth the time and the cold.

December 10, 2006

I can not believe it's Christmas again. Although I have a good life and happy with it.  It does seem as though life seems to go by so fast.  Sometimes I wish that there was a button to push to show life down a bit.  It  would nice to go back in time and do some things a little differently, but who knows how things would turn out.  What is important is that we all try to do the best we can and with Gods help, we can do right by our families and friends. Christmas to me is a time to spend with family and friends and be lucky that they’re there to me loved and appreciated.  Sometimes I think we all get wrapped up in all this commercial aspect of it all and forget what Christmas is all about. We worry about what others will buy us and hope we get them something that is equal value. Is that what Christmas is about, just material things that most of the time people take back or put the gift in a box to give to someone else next year. I would hope that people would just give from there hearts, not worry about the value, but the love behind it!

1-12-06

Its funny how most websites I go to on the web says that Cerebral Palsy does not affect aging, I think it does, at least that is what my body tells me.  I am 38 years old and because I played and acted like a normal kid.  Back when I was growing up, we lived on five acres, all of us (my sister and I) and the neighborhood kids would always be doing something.  Playing out on bails of hay, pretending like we were riding horses, or riding the real thing, we would always be having fun.  I remember when I would follow the kids out to the field on my hands and knees to be part of the fun.  Sometimes I would walk with my walker to my friends or just up and down our driveway thinking it was good for me, but meantime; it was making my ankles worse not stronger.  I know now that I have to pay the price for wanting to be a “normal” kid that now has to feel old at 38.  When you’re a kid, who thinks of getting old, I didn’t.

I’m on pain pills, which I hate, but if I don’t take them, I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed.  What I am most scared of is that I know little by little they will have to increase my dosage and I dread for that day to come.  The big question is, do I not take them and not be able to do what I do now, or take them knowing I will get worse, but still do what I can for myself and still try to help others. 

1/24/2007

            It seems as though I’m always writing about the bad things that happens n my life, I’m not sure if it just the timing of witch I write these entries, or if it’s therapeutic. I think it’s a little bit of both.  Anyway, I went to the doctor Monday and he put me on blood pressure medication; it wasn’t a total shock to me because I have had symptoms of having high blood pressure for awhile now.  From my experience, I know even though my heart is health (thank God), but the way I move and how I need to stain to do everyday tasks, that it does put a stain on my heart, plus when I get nervous or excited it makes the heart beat faster and harder then it would normally. 

            Having C.P. is hard enough, but when you start having symptoms like a person that is 95 and has beaten their bodies up, then it’s hard physically and emotionally.