Life is much more clearer when you don't drink
 

1998
One of the hardest diseases I have ever been introduced to would have to be alcoholism. It's a disease that not only affects the person who has the disease, but those who are around them. It took me sometime to realize that. I have finally learned that even though I thought, "It could not happen to me and I would never fall into that trap." Oh I could not have been more wrong. In the past, my record with men has not been that successful to say the least. I had always dreamed of being in love. I always knew what I wanted when I grew up, to be a wife and mother. It did not seem to be a monstrous dream. As I got into college, a man did come along, the first real relationship I had that seemed to be a perfect match. We both had Cerebral Palsy, so at first, I thought my dream was coming true. It was not too long that I realized that I was not ready for the commitment that he wanted from me. I know it does sound strange because that was what I dreamed of, but that is what it was, a dream. I had this desire to be in love and instead of waiting, I plugged into the first man that showed interest in me, but when he started talking about marriage, I ran. There were other relationships and one or two were serious, but there would always be something wrong or missing. Then come a guy that changes my life for the better, and also for the worsted. We met two a half-year ago at a local organization for people with disabilies. It was not love at first, I am not sure what it was exactly, he was twice my age, and I thought he was rude to be completely honest. Then one day after a meeting, he asked me out for a drink. At the time, I think I was feeling a little lonely and just wanted someone to talk to and to be listen to. We went to a crowed bar in town, ordered cokes and talked, but the place was filled with wall to wall people, TV's were going, so we decided to go outside. While outside, we saw that there were benches on the corner, so we parked our chairs by them and started talking. As we talked I felt as if we were old friends, but yet there was something there, it was not clear yet what it was. Of course we both said that we did not want nothing serious, but yet from that night on we both did not date anyone else. I looked at the clock and realized that it had been two hours; it seemed like a blink of an eye. So we parted and for the next several months I was on cloud nine. Of course we had our problems and in some ways I was a little immature and unsure about myself. Even though I had agreed at the beginning to not have a serious relationship, I knew something was happening between us. As time went on, it was getting harder and harder to fine places to go because we were both in chairs; it was difficult to go to many places without getting out of the car. So we would drive around for hours talking, but that became a problem because we would often park by playgrounds. We noticed that the police would often come around. Not that there was anything wrong with that; it's just felt funny to him. Now that I look back, I feel we could have gone somewhere else like a drive through or somewhere there were more people around. But hindsight is always better than for sight. There was one time that he was driving me home, we were having a conversation about something but he was having trouble understanding me because of my speech impairment. So he pulled off the street and parked by an open field. As we were talking, a car pulled up behind us, an individual came to the window of the car and asked what we were doing. Of course we said we were only talking, but since I have involuntary movements and speech impairment, the guy thought that there was something wrong. When I got home I got a phone call from the police department, when I started talking, he asks for my mom because of my speech. I guess what had happen was the guy who came to the car had called the police because he felt something was going on that should not be. They sent a police car over to his house to check on rather or not he was up to something illegal, he was so embarrass. Of course, it did not go to well with my mom either and I can see why. From that moment on, we went to places where people were around and after a while, I did start going to his house to visit. After sometime went by, we became comfortable with each, not to say that we did not have our shares of ups and downs, but we always seem to be able to communicate. The man that I thought of as a rude person, had a heart of gold, he enjoyed doing things for me and I enjoyed doing things for him. We did have a lot of things in common; we both were interested in disabled rights. Also we like working on web sites and listening to music, we could talk for hours. He was like my best friend. What hurt our relationship was his problem with alcohol. I did not know he even drank, until seven or eight months into our relationship. One day I answered the phone or I may have called him, but out of the blue, he started telling me about how awful and terrible I was, things that I had never heard him say. I could not figure out why, he never talked to me that way before. I did not have a clue what I did to make him so mad. There were signs I suppose, but I did not see them, or I just did not want too. When I first started to find out about his alcohol abuse, I felt as if I may have done something to cause it somehow, but I know that is not the case. There was nothing I could have done that would not have mattered, I could have been with him 24 hours a day, but if something went wrong, who is to say he would no drink anyway. What is so hard is I have helped run a support group that some of the people were alcoholics and I would listen to their problems and give them advice, but when it came to my own similar problems, I ignored my own or anyone's else's advice. I had been having back pains for sometime and it kept getting worse, but I was still able to do things on my own. In the mean time, I had bought a use wheelchair for a real good deal; my idea was that I was going to use it for a backup when my other chair went into the shop. I started using the chair so I could have my other chair repaired. But as I used the chair, I noticed my back was hurting more, but I was thinking it was my arthritis. I came to realize that a chair is not like a car that you can just get use to; it needs to be the right fit in order to feel comfortable. The chair that I bought was designed for a real tall man; I'm 4'11 so it was not quite my size. Friends of mind tried to adapt it to my needs, but it still was not right. Finally my back gave out and I could not move. My mom wanted to call the ambulance, but I just wanted to get in bed. Once I manage to get into bed, it took me sometime to relax, once I did, it seems as if my back felt a little better, I didn't get up on my own for a week. That weekend, my boyfriend and I had made some plans. I knew I could not move let alone go out, so I asked my mom to call him for me and explain what was happening. She tried to call him, but she got the machine. Not two minutes later he called and it was obvious that he did not hear the message that my mom left. I usually let the answering machine pick up our phone before I answer it to make sure it's for me. So when he called, I could here what he said. It wasn't very nice message, in a sacristy way he said that my phone must be broken since I had not called him. My mom picked up the phone and explained once again what happen, he never said that he hoped I felt better or that he would called later to check on how I felt. He just made a comment, "oh, that's why she has not called me. My mom just told him that I will call as so as I could, then hung up the phone. I did not say it out loud, but I was thinking that how dare he, never even a trace of concern in his voice. I had kind of told myself it was over, but I did not want to say it out loud, I knew this kind of behavior happen before and I always went back. Things were kind of quiet that weekend, of course I could not move, so I laid in bet. Finally what had really turn things around for me was that Sunday when he called drunk obviously. I could not believe it, here I was can not even move and he was sitting at home feeling sorry for himself hitting the bottle. Anger had sat in and that made up my mind, I did not need that in my life and I needed to change the pattern, which I had followed for two years. In order to do that, I needed time to and not have any communications with him. He did call a couple times and I did not answer, but a couple welcome old diskettes, so I answered it; well it was he who was on the other end of the phone. It was difficult, I did not to deal with him, and I was trying to get back my self-steam. We talked for a while, more like small talk myself and after some time went by, I just needed to get off the phone. I told him so and that I would call him sometime, he replied, "sometime" then real quickly said "okay bye". He did e-mail and asked me to explain why I did not want to go on and I did write back and told him what I thought and felt. I did try to be nice, but he kept writing to about things having to do with the Independent Living Center, after some time, I had to tell him this is my life, let me live it, I have not heard from since.