Life can be Messy, but we just need to clean it up ourselves!
 

When things seem to be different, it's hard to accept what they don't quite understand it. Take, for instance, my disability, which is Cerebral Palsy better known as "CP". I have had cp. since birth, so it is difficult to really know what "normal" is, but my question is does anybody? Ever since I can remember, children have been one of the most amusing experiences I have ever come across. Up until I was in fifth grade, I was in schools that had disabled students only, and I did not have to deal too much with children who were not disabled. Only when my Mother would take me shopping with her, did I begin to notice the other children and how they would make their silly little remarks and make goofy faces, which in return, I would definitely have to make goofy faces back at them. Then I was moved into a school where there was only on class for the disabled, and all the rest of the classes were filled with "normal" children. Once I was in with children that were able to run, jump and play, all I the games that children played at that age, I began to want to be like the children that I watched. While at recess one day, I decided to get up out of my wheelchair, and got myself behind it so I could use it like a walker; the children would look and share. But I didn't care because I wanted to be like them and just have fun like they were. It didn't go over to well. Some would laugh, others would make funny faces and to imitate my every move, but it didn't bother me. I just went on my way and laughed with them until one of the aids would come and put me back my chair. But as soon as they would leave, I would just get back up again and try it again. A few months later, I had my annual doctor's appointment, and that is when they gave me my first real walker. I really thought I was hot stuff, until one day when I was walking from a class, and this boy that I kind of had a crush on, offered to walk me to where ever I was going. Of course I got real excited, and when I get excited, I tend to start to shake. Then my nerves get real bad to where it makes it very difficult to speak, so by the time we got back to class, I could not even breath, let alone talk to him. He almost had to give me CPR. When I got to high school, the children were just as bizarre. At this stage in teenager's lives, they don't really care about anybody but themselves. Sometimes I felt as though I had a disease, especially with the guys. The girls were not as bad it was more the guys that gave me trouble. For example, every time a cute guy came along and said, "hi", and it take's all you have to not be nervous and not move. But when all the focus is on not moving and also trying to stay in your wheelchair, then when you try to talk, you loss it all and the guy you were impressing, or at least trying to, just walks away. Another perfect example is, when a girlfriend of mine knew I liked this guy that helped students in home room, which is a classroom that the disabled go when they needed help with things, like homework of personal needs. One time we were watching a movie and this guy was sitting in front of Lisa, my girlfriend, decided to tease me about telling him that I liked him. Well, Lisa wasn't really teasing; she told him right then and there. Let's just say he was a little shocked; he didn't even look at me for two weeks. I guess he never had a girl with a disability like him before. There were some teachers that were not quite the best at understanding either. The one that comes to mind was a math teacher; the second I got in his class, he asked me if I could write, and of course I replied no; the next thing I knew, I was out of there. That was okay by me because the replacement teacher I had was great; I even got a "B" out of that class. There were so many other reactions that I have gotten from different kinds of people. For instance, when I'm at the Valley Plaza, I get some of the funniest glances. I recall this girl that was walking by me who had strange look on face, it was as if she and alien from outer space, all the while, still walking to wherever she was going. People, young and old, would look and comment on how I do things, like if I took longer to get my money out to pay for thing. Sometimes when people get really impatient, I take even more time to get my money out to pay something. That's when they really get their pants or dresses in an uproar. Also there have been times when people will come up to me and give me money for no apparent reason. My favorite one was when I was buying a Christmas present for an ex-boyfriend, and this gentleman came up to me and offered to buy this gift that I picked out. At first, I said, "oh no, you don't need to do that", but he would not take no for an answer; his daughter that was with him, said that it would make him happy to pay for it, so he did. I been coping with my disability, but it wasn't until I got to Bakersfield College that I really accepted my disability, B.C. was something new and different than what I was accustomed to in high school, or elementary school. At first, I was a little bit hesitant to go on, but I knew if I didn't go, I would just be sitting around the house doing absolutely nothing but watch soaps all day. Not that I don't watch them anyway, but at least that's not all that I do. I have learned so much, and not just from the classes that I have taken, but from other many people were in the same boat that I am. I was amazed at how many people went to B.C. that had a disability. Joyce Kirst, an instructor for the High Tech Center gave me my first job. After working there for a few semesters, she entered me in this contest that had a brand new computer for the prize. When I won, Joyce said I should say something at the presentation, and that there were going to be twenty or more people. So my first thought was Joyce had to be kidding, I had never made a speech in front of that many people before. I practiced what I was going to say for a week. Finally, when the day arrived, I was nervous, but when I started to talk, I could not stop; people probably thought I would never shut up. At least I did get over my shyness, even through people would have probably liked to seen me a little more shy. I began to open to a whole new area in my life. On the weekends I started staying over my girlfriend's house, while I was there, she and some of my other friends took me to my first bar, to say the least, I was astonished at the way that people acted. When we first went in, they were saying, "why would they come in this bar", or something to that effect. When a few hours passed, and everyone had time to get a few drinks down their throats, it started to get really exciting. While sitting at table, people would be dancing and coming up to us to ask if we wanted to dance with them. At first, I was thinking how it would be so funny to see someone in a wheelchair that was a little drunk trying to dance. But one of my friends said to me, "Kim, we are like anybody else in this bar, and if they don't like how we are able to dance then that is their problem, not ours". Ever since then, I been going out and dancing, and not worrying about how people see me. I had my first steady boyfriend when I was in my second year at BC He was and still is a character, but he really showed me that people with disabilities do not have to sit at home and stare at walls all day long. Every weekend, you would see him either at a party or at a local dance club. If he wasn't at parties or bars, he would be out on Chester cruising with all the teenagers blasting his stereo. You could hear it booming for miles, people would stop and look at what was coming down the street. He wasn't afraid anything; actually he got a kick out of people that came up to him and asking about his stereo. One time, he told me that the police officer stopped him for having his stereo up to loud while going down streets. There were a couple of times, when a girlfriend and I would go with him. Well, first of all, I'm not really the type that likes to cause any kind of attention towards myself. I would stay in the background, and just watch him. My girlfriend was more outgoing more like him. I have learned a lot from other people's reactions towards me; some were good and others were bad. For instance, since I'm not able to drive, I take either Get-A-Lift or the city bus. And I never had any problems until this one particular Saturday when a friend and her husband wanted me to come see their new apartment, I took a city bus over there. I wasn't really familiar with the south side of Bakersfield, so I wasn't sure about what bus to take me to the plaza. I would have asked my friends that I went to go see, but they were not even home when I got there. By that time, I was upset because they had known I was coming. Anyway, I was waiting for a bus to come, so I could ask what bus to take to go to the plaza. Finally, after a half-hour, one came. The driver asked me if I wanted on, and at first I asked him if he was going to the plaza. But because he had a problem understanding me, one of the riders told him what I had said, and he told me yes he was. While I was getting on, my control stick came off my wheelchair; I had an awful time getting it back on. When I finally got myself situated, I could hear people talking about how I should not be by myself. This woman sitting across from me kept asking if I knew where I was going, and if I knew where I lived. The driver called into the main office, and asks what he should do. I overheard him tell some of the riders that "she may have escaped from a mental hospital or something". I could not believe what I was going on; he made me feel like a freak. I just shook my head, and sat back in my wheelchair and listened to these people say whatever they were saying. I figured when the supervisor came, he would realize I was all right, and that they were the ones that needed to be in a mental hospital. Sure enough, the supervisor came, and asked me if I knew where I was going, and of course I said, "yes I do". Then he told the driver to go on with his route. By the time I got to the plaza, I was baffled and mad, so mad that I looked like ca lobster. There have been other times that has happened, but I have learned that I can't let anybody get me down; if I did, I would not be able to life in live in the life I am living. The one thing that has not been a problem is my family; they have supported me in everything that I wanted to do. There has only been one incident when there was a major problem. When my father passed away, my step grandmother turned to my mom and said, "Judi you should think about putting Kim in a home". Well, that didn't go over to well with my mom. And it was lucky that my mom's mom was right there because she had to literally hold my mom back from punching her right in the face. Believe me, when I say that she's not one of my favorite relatives, I'm not joking, if you know what I mean. On the other hand, I have a younger sister that is the type that won't take anything from anyone. Whenever we would go out somewhere, people would sometimes stair and laugh at the way I looked or acted if I had one of my shaky spells that I could not control, she would first politely say, "would you not stair at my sister please". But if that didn't work, then she would say, "what the heck are you looking at, a crippled or something". They would all turn, and walk away embarrassed. Another thing that comes to mind, is when my sister got a personal dating service survey in the mail, she filled the paper out, but she used my name for a joke. Well, I didn't think nothing of it, but one evening the phone rang, and my mom answered the phone. It just happen to be a guy from the personal dating service. They asked if I was there, so my mom handed the phone to me. I could not believe my ears, when I got on the phone, they thought I was a child and that someone was play a game on them. So they asked to speak to my mother, and I gave the phone back to my mom, and he tried to explain very nicely that it might be hard to match me with someone because of my disability. I never know what life is going to hand me, so I have to enjoy every bit of it. I have personally learned to accept my disability, although different kinds of people and things may have gotten in the way at times, but I think that it has made me a stronger person out of me, so that I'm able to deal with whatever comes my way. Then in return, it makes other people with or without a disability look at the situation a little differently, and hopefully people can understand what people with disabilities are going through, and realize that we're just like anybody else that wants to fit in this old crazy world. There have been so many times when I would have gotten frustrated at the world, and I would have liked to given up and throw my hand in the air and say, "is this really all worth it all, or am I just spinning my wheels". Then I think, well life could be a whole lot worse if we didn't have cable television! The End! Written in 3/94